Pick your battles poster

Pick your battles

Most parents want the best for their children however, there are no set rules for being a perfect parent. Parenting is not about children, but how we rejuvenate ourselves and learn from our children.

We, as parents, want to develop good habits and mannerisms in our children. So we tend to guide or correct them most of the time on various issues like brushing teeth, cleaning up after playtime, sharing toys, or doing their daily chores. When we try to work on all the issues simultaneously it leads to more battles and struggles that are meaningless. Children could express their anxiety through different behavior issues and it’s an emotional drain for the parent.

Parents need to prioritize the habits and choose to work on one significant issue at a time. Based on the priority other issues are put on hold for time being. We need to communicate the same to the child and the most appropriate time to discuss the same could be during the special time together. This time makes the child express their thoughts without the fear of being judged and is a splendid opportunity to build healthy relationships.

This enables the child to avoid frustration with a lot of expectations which otherwise might lead to either an unconscious suppression or power struggle over multiple issues.  Over some time child adapts to the required behavior and turns it into a habit for life. Then we would again pick the next battle accordingly. This leads to a win-win relationship with firmness.

Another thing to keep in mind is to break down the expected behavior into a smaller task. For eg,  if we are working on “sharing” we cannot expect the child to share her favorite toy/ food initially. So, we could break it down by sharing her least favorite toy with family members and then with friends. Each time she shares, reinforce the behavior with a reward that she enjoys. Then gradually she will be motivated to share her favorite toy in return for some goodies.

So let us prioritize our battles and choose to work on one issue at a time with full participation and cooperation from the child!!

Guide children to express their feelings

Guide children to express their feeling

I would like to share a heart-warming incident. My older child had an entrance test for his first grade admission. He is a cheerful, fun loving and carefree child, who would speak his heart out. Couple of days prior to the interview his grandparents gave him lots of advice like do well, write slowly and neatly and so on. He then asked me, “Aunty why is everyone saying all this, do they feel I will not do well in the test”!!! I was perturbed by his thought.  I explained that they were concerned about his test and assured him that he is a smart child and he will do well in the test. On the flip side I was delighted that he was able to express his thoughts openly or else these thoughts would manifest into anxiety and lack of confidence.

These little children also emote various feeling of joy, sad, excitement, anxiety, nervousness, worries, surprise and so on however they are not able to express it clearly with appropriate vocabulary. Due to which these unresolved feelings might be expressed in unhealthy ways or may manifest physically.  So the first step to help children handle their feelings is to help them identify the various feelings and be able to name the feelings.

Succour them to enhance their emotional vocabulary through stories. Give them various opportunities to express their feelings and also share your experience and label your feelings. It is important for children to know that even we as adults also experience the same feelings like them and let them know how we handle our emotions. It’s quite natural to feel upset, angry, shy, and unsure. We need to express it in a healthy manner.  

The next step would be assisting the child to identify the feeling in others. We could share a particular incident and ask the child how they would have felt. We could read stories, create stories of animals experiencing the different emotions, point out the different facial expressions and body language.

Children who are able to express their feeling are

  • Be empathic and supportive of others
  • Channelize their energy productively
  • Perform better in school and their career
  • Have more positive and stable relationships with other children
  • Have good mental health and wellbeing
  • Display less behavioural problems
  • Have a positive sense of self

As adults we need to be good listeners without being judgemental or biased. The child needs know that you understand their feelings.  Dinner time, family time or before bed time would be good time to discuss the happy and unpleasant feelings with your child. At times when the child is experiencing strong emotions we need to guide them to calm down and then discuss the feelings, give it a name and help them think about the different ways to overcome the problem. As children learn to solve their issues, they become more independent and confident.

Ojas Montessori

Catch them doing good things

Many times parents ask us how our children are so organized, confident and abide by the rules of the environment. One of the keys is to catch them doing good. In the Montessori environment, one of the main responsibilities of the adult is to observe the child.  Whenever the child does something nice, the adult genuinely appreciates the child’s effort. Few examples are

  1. If the child waits for her turn to do the artwork – adults appreciate “I know you are eagerly waiting to paint, thanks for waiting for your turn”
  2. It is such a pleasure to see the child carefully, slowly and with such control over his movements to put the chowki down without making a sound. Adult appreciates – you kept the chowki down without making a sound.

This motivates the child to repeat it in the same manner again and again. In case if a child does make a noise or mishandles the material, we do not point it out directly. The Adult demonstrates how it has to be done or brings the child’s attention when another child is doing it right. Most often the second option is very effective.

Unfortunately, in our day-to-day routine, we expect things to happen as expected and our antennas pop up only when we see things not happening as expected. As we keep pointing out the correction, we are sowing the seeds of reinforcing the negative behavior instead we take some time out and observe them doing good and positively reinforce the same, the behaviour is blossomed and nurtured. The reinforcement could be eye contact, smile, hug, pat on the back or a genuine appreciation of effort and thoughts.

This also helps to build a healthy relationship and bond between the adult and child. Also, we need to ensure that mistakes should be expected, encouraged and are self – corrected / realised. The child also needs to see role models who make mistakes, quick to recognize them, ask for forgiveness and improve themselves.

It is our responsibility to nurture a positive environment for the child to explore, grow, and learn from mistakes and blossom without any fear.

Ojas Montessori Blog blog on behaviour

The ABC of Behaviour

The ABC of Behaviour

Tantrums are natural part of childhood wherein the child is still learning to be independent, exploring their surroundings, testing their boundaries, trying to cope with their feeling, they might be upset, tired, hungry or uncomfortable in a new situation. Different children express it in different ways, some are vocal and some are physical while others may get into a shell. As the child learns to build their language skills and handle their big feeling, their tantrums tends to decrease.

As parents we need to help the child to handle the tantrums in a healthy manner. We need to observe the child’s behaviour over a period to find out the reason for the tantrums. 

  • If its lack of sleep, we could comfort the child and ensure he gets adequate sleep.
  • If the child wants to do an activity which is not appropriate, we can patiently wait till he calms down and later talk to them or help them with the right behaviour. If we give in by comforting the child or giving whatever the child wants, then it leads to reinforcing the negative behaviour of the child. Being consistent and calm is the key to help them overcome their big feelings.
  • Need for more attention is another reason. For eg most children throw a tantrum when parents are working, they need to step out etc. So we need to plan our activities when the child is engaged or having a nap.
  • Having few rules and routine helps both the adult and child to interpret and express their needs in ways that are appropriate to the situation and environment.

The ABC model of behaviour helps us to break our observation into three parts

  • Antecedents (A): what happened just before the behaviour occurred.
  • Behaviour (B): the specific action(s) or behaviour of interest.
  • Consequences (C): what happened just after the behaviour occurred.

Antecedents : Analysing the situation just before the behavior gives us an insight, clue, what triggered the incident.

Behaviour : How did the child react, is it screaming, throwing, blowing raspberries, hiding, stomach pain, snatching things.

Consequence : What the child gets as a result of the above behavior or the reaction of the adult due to the behavior.

We need to observe and write down the ABC of the child behavior for a longer stint. This will help us to analyze the issue faced by the child. Depending on the reason we could either avoid such triggers or help the child overcome the problem. Once the trigger is eliminated, the positive behavior is reinforced, consequently the positive behavior results in positive consequence.